My MS Diagnosis

 Multiple Sclerosis, the one thing I never thought I would know about or have slip out of my mouth. But, in 2016 I found out I was blessed to live a life with it. I'm being sarcastic by the way. No one in my family that I know of before my Grandparents has this disease, however, my families both carry the gene MTHFR, a genetic blood mutation that can cause Auto Immune diseases. 

Before this disease affected my life I was burdened with depression after loosing a baby boy at 14 weeks, my gall bladder was acting out, I had panic attacks and anxiety where we were living and who we were living with. I basically mentally and physically made myself sick. I remember the day I was told by my neurologist that I had this disease, I was alone in his office with no one to support me. It was a hard thing to hear, I cried my way home with the kids in the back as my husband drove. I was speechless, I was upset, I hated the world and had no idea what to make of this new turn in my life. For months I was mad, I cried and I felt so alone. The thing with this disease , it makes you feel alone. 

Truth is , my kids are the only support system I have. My first year diagnosed with it my oldest every week at school had a wish his counselor would give him. He would use his wish to ask for me to feel better. He was the only one at the time worried about my being. 4 years and 8 months later I still have no one else but him worrying about me. I don't have people rooting for me. Family reaching out when they see posts updating about my conditions. I don't have friends being by my side. I have pretty much endured this entire journey alone. I just wanted someone one, anyone, to act like I mattered. 

Multiple Sclerosis has changed my days, changed who I am mentally/ physically and emotionally. It's made me appreciate days where I wake up pain free. Mornings where I can feel the rug and it's texture underneath my feet. It's made me appreciate the small things I don't get to have often like running up the stairs after my son who's trying to play with me. Things people take for granted, I appreciate more because I don't get to have them often, 

This disease has taken so much from me, my ability to feel my feet. I have optic neuritis and I am slowly loosing my eye sight. I have short term memory most of the time so it is hard to process new information so I can't read a book. I'll just end up rereading the same page over and over just to process the next chapter to make sense. And even though in the beginning I was mad at the world, somehow, someway, this disease gave me the world. It made me appreciate everything more. It made me more positive. I can't take negative anything because it flares my body up. It took away everything that didn't serve me anymore and brought me everything that could. Just in a different way than I wanted. 

For almost 5 years I have battled, I've jumped a lot of hurdles, I have cried a lot of tears. And somehow I have shown my body that is fighting itself everyday that I AM IN CHARGE. I fight through the days when my legs are feeling weak because I have 5 kids at home that need me. I battle through to show myself I can do this even if I feel defeated and think I can't. I may not have a support system, but I have me. Me pushing my limits and me doing all I can. And behind me I have my 4 boys here at home caring for me in ways no one else can. I'm blessed to have them. Even if they can't understand what I am going through. They try to be here. It may not be a huge support system, but I am grateful to be their Mom and that they are my sons. 

For anyone struggling with this disease, or anything at all. Don't give up fighting. Quitters don't quit. We give into bad days and admit defeat, but we still show ourselves we're bosses. Keep fighting. If you need to cry, cry. If you're mad, scream at the top of your lungs. And when you're lonely, find a journal and vent. Don't hold the emotions in, building them up never helps. You just become a ticking time bomb. Focus on the positive things only. Negative don't deserve your attention or energy. Love yourself , be easier on yourself. At the end of the day the only thing that matters is your happiness and what your energy was spent on. 

Just a bit of a vent of my own. But did I really vent? 

Til next blog. 

Sonja-Leigh